welcome back

it's amazing how time flies. it's been so long since i last posted, not because i am thoughtless, but the dullness and moodiness had taken it's toll on me. for the past few months, the only place i find comfort is there and there alone :p nowhere else.

first things first. reason of absence: laziness. yeps. i've always been thinking bout stuff but i'm just too lazy to type it down. so a recap of things which i've spent some time thinking. friends, are they merely friends by name, or do they really understand their friends? why did i take the trouble to open up to people when they are bound to be defensive sooner or later?

how to make things work? it's never easy to make things work. things which i wanna do, and things which i can do are really different. low self esteem and/or low self confidence perhaps? others make things look so easy (here goes the comparison again). a trip to overseas seem to easy to plan. but when i wanna plan a trip just somewhere near, it seem so hard. hotel reservations, money, time, money, moods, money, activities, money, food, money, companies, money, transportations, money, money and more money. but to those who own a car, a trip to where i wanna go seem so easy. they can even make it a one day trip! but for me...looks like i have to plan better... look into every single detail, make sure things work, time spent there is just enough, not too long, not too short, enjoyable, pleasurable. hard work.

then, there was this issue about people around me. there are many levels of friendship that i've came across. classmates whom i can share everything with, hi bye classmates, hi bye friends, friends whom i can talk without feeling awkward, friends whom i can never talk to, friends who understands, friends who don't understand, friends that i can open up to, friends that i must never open up to, etc etc. then there was this issue about two headed friends, two timers, selfish, people who are never considerate, people who take advantage of the weak. lots of people i've seen and heard, only a handful are my friends. anti social? nah... not that. i was labelled anti social for the wrong reason, at the wrong time. screw it.

studies was another concern somewhere down the line. there were times i rushed, and managed to finish work. there were times i never rush, but i still manage to finish it last minute. there were times i was happy with my effort, and sometimes not. my achievements this far is not something i am proud of. so there was this period when i was thinking about walking the correct road. but then, i've already made the choice, so i decided not to think bout it anymore. finish my studies, get the job done, do what i want.

death. the death of someone made me ponder bout the deaths of people around that will come in time. life is uncertain, but once a life is born, death is certain. 100%, no escape. so i was told not to think so much about this a few years back. and when i was small, i used to get really really sad when i think bout death. but now, i'm thinking of how to deal with the loss, how to compensate for the loss. yea, cross the bridge when i come to it.. but it's just something i think. what would i do if someone i care for die just like that? how can i cope if someone really close to me just leave? what would be the answers to the questions i've never asked? how would they be remembered? i still get sad whenever i think about death.. so it's something i would never wanna discuss with.

do unto others if you want others to do unto you. i still believe in it even though i have been proven wrong once too often...

those were my thoughts for the past few months. some, i've stopped thinking. while some, i'm still thinking. i'm not looking for answers, i'm just looking at the situation...

welcome back, those who are still here. and welcome, to those who are new :)